Dance Day

The day finally arrived today – the 6th grade dance.  Nevermind that it was in the morning on a half-school day, or that it was more a karaoke party than a dance – it finally came.  Just in time for my daughter to have an eye infection, have to wear her ‘gross’ glasses, and for her skinny jeans to be stuck in the wash this morning.  Mooooommmm!  Life is so unfair. 

Apparently, boys aren’t what they used to be when it comes to 6th grade dances.  I remember actual dancing being had – opportunities being taken for that slow dance and a hand on the back (lower back if you were lucky)… But my daughter and her crush spent the dance… playing checkers.  Yes, checkers.  I’m especially disappointed that she lost to him, but that’s irrelevant I suppose.

What I found interesting was that according to her, no one danced at all with anyone of the opposite sex.  Girls and guys screwed around dancing in groups among themselves.  Kids played games.  Kids sang karaoke.  Though it’s hardly what I’d call a “dance”, it sounds like fun.  Much less stressful than my 6th grade nervous wreck.  For once, I’m actually happy about an aspect of my daughter and her friends’ maturity instead of horrified.  They got to have fun and be kids – in 6th grade.  Who knew?!

Who wants to come with me?

I’m thinking of actually buying a 3 day pass to Lollapalooza this year. Scott Bernstein posted that the Lollapalooza headliners have been confirmed and I wanna go.  Rage, Radiohead, Wilco, Blues Traveler, Kanye West, Nine Inch Nails… it’s like a recreation of some of my best Lollapalooza memories of years past.

So who wants to visit me in Chicago August 1-3?

(Late) Monday Meme from Ms. K. D. Anos

Things you have done in your life, as of today…

Gone on a blind date - Actually, yes – for a Jr. High dance.  He was quite sweet, but lived too far away.  Aw.

Had a crush on a teacher - Scary thing about my yes is that I think it did go both ways.  It was college though, so not so ‘ew’ as you might be thinking. We went so far as to get to go to a concert together and share a couple joints but that was about it.

Skipped school - Never without my parents knowing, I was such a good girl

Pet a reindeer/goat - I’m sure a goat has been pet my me at some point, stinky as it may have been.

Won a contest - I did win a bike off the back of a cereal box – and a case of John Lennon glasses from a local music shop.  No lottery luck yet though.

Run a red light - If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears…. heck yeah!

Been suspended from school – I think it was only one day when I was suspended for wearing a ‘I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?’ tshirt in Jr. High. 

Been in a car accident - Yes – a couple.  Thankfully the only casualty of any of them was a deer.

Had braces – All through High School.  Yes, I’m still bitter, since my teeth have moved back to where they were before…

Felt like an outcast – I don’t trust anyone that hasn’t.

Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night – A pint?  Probably not.  But I love me some ice cream.

Had deja vu - Whoa – I remember typing an answer to this one, exactly like – whoa!  This!

Danced in the moonlight – Sadly, no.

Hated the way you look - As I sit.  But I care much less than I used to.

Witnessed a crime – Yes, but nothing serious.  A scammy theft.  A DUI.

Pole danced -Yes, but not without clothes on.

Been obsessed with post-it notes – The dozens currently on my desk and computer screen can testify to that.

Walked barefoot through the mud – Heck yeah – this reminds me though, that I haven’t done that in years.

Been lost – GPS is a blessing I can’t describe.

Swam in the ocean – Yes – and got swept out to sea once too.  Yikes!

Felt like dying – Felt so sick I was going to die?  Yes.  Felt like I wanted to die?  Sure, but it passed.  I hope to never feel that way again.

Cried yourself to sleep – I don’t do that – I can’t fall asleep sad, I have to have things tied up before I can rest.

Played cops and robbers - Never.  Though my son would love me to.  I’m so not playful in that way.

Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers – Sometime this year, yes.  I like coloring with my kids.  They’re getting better than I am though.

Sung karaoke – Once, in public – it was to “Ice, Ice Baby”.  Fun – and drunk.

Paid for a meal with only coins – I did this yesterday.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t – I am the queen of doing things the hard way, but I’m not ignorant.  So yeah, I’m constantly doing things I know I shouldn’t and said I wouldn’t.

Made prank phone calls when you were younger – Yes – I’m so sorry, Divina.

Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose – I don’t think so.  That would burn like hell.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue – I do that a lot.  The little things.

Danced naked in the rain – Danced, yes – not naked.  Still a bit self concious for that.

My heart – and why it hasn’t resided in my body for weeks

I have been on a self-imposed internet breather just until I could get through the worst of this climb up the medical scare ladder with my 11 year old daughter.  Because every time I get online I start googling “papilledema” and convincing myself of the worst.

We took her to a very good opthamologist. So good that it took over 3 months from the time her optometrist said, “I don’t like the way her optic nerve looks” to the time they could see us. I expressed concern but the optometrist assured me that it looked like it was just a different hereditary structure but wanted to have someone else look at it just in case – but no emergency.

We were at the opthamologist for three hours, when he finally told me that her optic discs that should like like doughnuts around her optic nerves instead have no middle – they are pressing completely around the optic nerves. And that the left nerve is entering her eye at a tilt instead of straight on like a healthy nerve.

There are many things that could be causing this – from a virus, to a brain tumor. Good signs are that she hasn’t experienced headaches or dizziness or vomiting. Bad signs are that her eyes have begun to protrude a bit and she has circles under her eyes. And her eyesight has recently drastically worsened.

So we were sent up the ladder to the pediatric neuro-opthamologist.  We had to wait a few days, when he said normally a diagnosis like this would be immediate MRI at the hospital.  I am trying to remain calm. He said that if he saw fluid behind the eye he could drive her to the best hospitals himself- but that he didn’t, and thought that we were okay to wait. I asked him if it was his daughter, would he wait – he said yes. I hoped that trusting him was correct.

So we had the scans, more exams and photos of the back of the eye, another opthamologist, the pediatric neuro-opthamologist, tests and more tests, and still had to wait for the formal meeting for an answer.

The good news is that the pressure levels in and behind her eye are good. Bad news is that even in two months, the sight in her left eye is decreased even more.   All doctors are very concerned with how it looks – but we find that there is no tumor.  The neuro-opthamologist says that papilledema is quite often considered ’something horrible with the brain until proven otherwise’.  They are on the road to proving otherwise.

So now we wait two weeks.  We will do another visual field test and neuro-opthamologist office visit to see if the vision is getting worse, or improving.  Improvement could mean it is a virus after all.  Worsening, or staying the same, will mean a spinal tap and moving on with neurology workups.

I’m more optimistic, still scared to death, but willing to venture back into cyberspace.  Which can be a very scary place when you are moving up a medical diagnosis ladder.

Mother Jones Summarizes

5 years in Iraq

Replaying the Iraq War’s Greatest Hits, Five Years On

It’s been five years since we headed down the rabbit hole to Iraq. Reflecting on this milestone while visiting Baghdad a couple of days ago, Dick Cheney declared that “we’ve come a long way” since the days of “Mission Accomplished,” describing the war as “a difficult, challenging, but nonetheless successful endeavor.” Which in the topsy-turvy, up-is-down world of Iraqspeak means that we are still horribly, gut-wrenchingly screwed.

To commemorate the war’s fifth birthday, here’s a brief collection of some of Mother Jones’ coverage of the challenges and difficulties of the past few years. Or, as the vice president might put it, the Iraq War’s greatest hits:

• Before 2003, Iraq had no ties to Al Qaeda. Now it’s a terrorist breeding ground and distraction from the war on terror—the one that was against the Al Qaeda that existed before we created the new one in Iraq.

• Remember how Ahmad Chalabi conned the White House into invading Iraq? Suckers. Hard-nosed journalists would have never fallen for his crap. Oh wait—they did.

• So maybe it was a bad idea to take the soldiers involved in prisoner abuse in Afghanistan and send them to run prisons in Iraq.

• But then, the highest-ranking officer to be tried for the abuses at Abu Ghraib was let off with a slap on the wrist. Clearly, there’s nothing more to see here.

• Hey, Senator McCain—we know that it’s hard to keep track of that Sunni-Shia thing. Our “Iraq for Dummies” handbook can help.

• The good news: More GIs are surviving their combat wounds than ever before. The bad news: More than 3,900 have died. And more than 4,600 have suffered serious head or brain injuries; more than 1,300 are amputees.

• Saddam’s WMDs were nonexistent, but he did have real, live weapons researchers whom the U.S. let slip slip through the cracks. Just promise you’ll keep that nefarious know-how to yourselves, guys!

• Public service announcement: Getting out of Iraq is gonna be ugly any way you slice it.

• So many lies, so little time—lies about WMDs, lies about progress on the ground, lies about torture. We’ve been collecting them in our “Lie By Lie” timeline—years of official mendacity at your fingertips!

No doubt the hits will keep coming in the year ahead. By next March, Cheney will have moved on, but no matter who occupies the White House, the U.S. will will have spent another year in Iraq.

Fish Sticks of God

I came into work feeling a bit blah today, having a root canal scheduled for 11 a.m. However, a co-worker did not fail to cheer me up when she showed me this gem on eBay.

Yes, someone dumped their Super Walmart brand fish sticks out onto the pan to feed their brood of 9 rythym method spaced children and saw that three pairs of them were stuck together. Not just stuck together (as we all have seen when dumping such fish sticks out onto a pan), but in the exact pattern that the crosses on the hill stood on Good Friday.

Lo and behold, just in time for Easter – holy fish sticks. To have that kind of either time, enterprising spirit, or faith – whatever it is that drove that woman to list said sticks on eBay. She says it’s a sign from God because she’s been praying for a new van for all her children to fit into. Screw the kid with the cleft palatte, screw cancer – God decided to send this woman fish sticks that she could sell on eBay to buy a monster van. Ah, to have that kind of faith…

Dear Mr. President

How did I make it this far without hearing this song by Pink and the Indigo Girls? I don’t know, but someone did a youtube to it and I was just emailed the link.

I believed you, I really did.

Though my instinct said, “come on, that is absurd”, I ignored it. I read your bright, shiny box and thought to myself, “Self, this HAS to be good. It was developed by an elementary school teacher.” I mean, who is more qualified than an elementary school teacher to develop a revolutionary health supplement that prevents the common cold?!? And though my gut was telling me that was ridiculous, I read on…. and saw that yes, it prevents colds. Not only that, it was clinically proven. SOLD!

Now they’re telling me that it was all a lie. How could it be? They told me it cured the common cold! I took it all the time, and though I still got sick, it must not have been with a common cold – Airborne prevents against those. And they’re saying that it wasn’t a clinically proven formula, but instead two guys in a house in a small uncontrolled study. Who says that doesn’t count?!

But they have this claim form online that says that even if I have taken it and felt it worked, I can get up to $65.94 in a refund, no receipt needed, by telling them I bought 6 boxes of it. If I have saved all my receipts, I can get a refund for every box I’ve ever bought.

http://www.airbornehealthsettlement.com

I really believe in Airborne. I think it’s unfair, what they’re saying about it.

But $65 is a lot of gas money.

Evil Dance Moms and their Spawn

The weekend was absent new entries due to the second dance competition of the 2008 season.  This was a great competition for dear daughter… 11 year old daughters who dance competitively and with passion have no idea that while they are frantically preparing for their on-stage rush, mom is dealing with satan’s spawn.  This is to say, I am so over the dance moms.  If, forgive you, you happen to be predisposed to diva-mama behavior, I have some advice.

(a)  Sometimes humans have to pee.  Sometimes moms have to get up and help their daughters change costumes.  When you can’t find a seat at the venue and our blankets, jackets, bags, trophies, etc. are sitting on our seats?  It’s not appropriate to sit on them.  The blankets, jackets, bags, trophies, OR seats they are lying on.  And when I get back with my differently costumed daughter to sit down and inform you that your toned, tanned, and Juicy Couture encrusted ass is on my shit?  It’s not appropriate to say, ‘no seat saving allowed’ and turn around.  And when I say, “could my daughter at least have the jacket you are actually SITTING ON so she’s not cold”?  It’s not appropriate to pull it out from beneath your ass so hard that the pins she has worked her butt off to earn fall off.  It’s also not appropriate to ignore that fact. 

(b)  Your daughter’s dance company is fine.  They dance well, have plenty of rhinestones, and can do eight synchronized pirouettes in a row.  That is great, and when she dances, I clap for her.  It is understandable that throughout three days of nonstop dancing people don’t clap for every dance, sometimes we’re distracted.  But when my distraction after my daughter’s company performs is from you saying, ‘ours will definitely score better than that one’?  Not classy.

If your goal is to raise kids who don’t clap for anyone else during performances or awards, who have deplorable backstage behavior, and who have no respect for other space and things in the dressing room?  You’re definitely on the right track.

But I don’t know if I can make it through another competition without a catfight where I rip your rhinestoned Dance Mom pin off.

1943 Guide to Hiring Women

My boss just sent me this…

 The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II.

“Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the pro perty against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.”